Legally Drunk

Friday night I was sitting at home bored, watching TV, flipping back & forth between watching the Yankees lose to the Red Sox & Hellboy 2: The Golden Army, and downing a few Southern Tier Harvest Ales (dee-LISH-ious, by the way). When the Yankees had finished failing in their attempt to come back from a 7-0 deficit I looked for something else to put on, and came across the USA Network in the middle of airing a doubleheader of Reese Witherspoon’s incendiary take on the dark side of America’s legal system, “Legally Blonde” & “Legally Blonde 2: Red, White, and Blonde”. What followed was an epic live-tweet feuled by beer, boredom, and an unhealthy amusement at my own sarcasm. In the days following, it has taken the internet by storm and been the source of much water cooler laughter and heated barroom debate.

Since joining twitter, I have found it to be a great source of information and entertainment as well as a great tool for me to not only promote myself, but as a platform for my comedy and entertainment in and of itself. I’ve tossed off many one-liners and asides on twitter in the past year or so, but this was my first attempt at any sort of long-form comedy. It was weird. It was sloppy. It may have annoyed people more than it made them laugh. But it was certainly an interesting experiment. Here it is, in it’s entirety:

  • I’ve recently developed an appreciation for Reese Witherspoon’s gifts as a comedic actress. That’s why I’m watching Legally Blonde right now
  • Never seen Legally Blonde before, yet have a feeling it’s success led RW away from better comedic roles toward better paying bland rom-coms.
  • I don’t think you need me to tell you that Legally Blonde requires an ever-so-slight suspension of disbelief to make it work.
  • And, that’s coming from a guy who just watched a movie about super-powered monsters fighting each other over the future of mankind.
  • But, HEY!!! There’s Selma Blair! Legally Blonde and Hellboy, sharing a common thread.
  • Speaking of suspension of disbelief, Legally Blonde’s law firm has 4 partners, 1 Irish, none Jewish. Even in Boston, that’s a stretch.
  • Maybe they’ll have some beers at “Feingold’s Pub” or eat at “Takamatsu’s Pizzeria”.
  • The movie’s crucial plot point is that the hot, swarthy Latino pool boy is gay b/c he knows designer shoes. Culturally sensitive it ain’t.
  • And the rich, white mick lawyer ends up hitting on our pretty, virtuous heroine. Actually… yeah, I buy that. We micks are horny fuckers.
  • Have I actually just spent the last 45 minutes live-tweeting Legally Fucking Blonde on a Friday night?!?! I may need to re-consider my life.
  • I believe I shall start the re-consideration of my life by digging into a 6 pack of @stbcbeer Harvest Ale.
  • Can you just fire your lawyer right in court in the middle of a trial? Is that legal? Is it blonde? Furthermore is it LEGALLY blonde???
  • Reese Witherspoon could’ve been our generation’s Madeline Kahn with better material. Actually, post-Brooks, Kahn could’ve done better too.
  • As a heterosexual, white, male comedian I’ve got a good headstart, but there’s really never been too many good roles for funny acting broads
  • Of course, as a gentile in the world of comedy, I can identify with being a minority. *sigh…*
  • Btw, I stopped having much of a semblance of what I was talking about a half hour ago. This Harvest Ale is pretty damn good, though.
  • It’s so uplifting to see a movie where the hot, charming blonde girl from So-Cal comes out on top. FINALLY!!!
  • I guess my thoughts on Legally Blonde are: If Reese is looking for someone to have adorable, comedically talented kids with, I’M HER MAN!!!
  • Now, go ahead with the tweets questioning my comedic “talent”. But DO NOT question my adorability!
  • Legally Blonde 2 off to a rough start asking the audience to concentrate less on Reese’s formidable charm & more on a chihuaha’s parentage.
  • I doubt a real law firm would fire someone for wanting to help dogs, but prob more unlikely that Elle would get a law degree in 1st place.
  • Both Legally Blonde movies make great use of Luke Wilson’s talent by having him hang around funnier people and say stuff.
  • Alright. I’ve reached my limit. I need filthy language and/or big-ass ‘splosions. Goodnight, Elle Woods. May our love bloom evergreen.
  • Waaaaaaaaaiiiit… No, they DI-INT! Bob Newhart as a kindly doorman with a dry sense of humor?! Maybe I WILL stick around!!!
  • Oh, SNAP! @rajskub is in this too! She’s funnier than me or anyone else reading this. Including herself. Should she be reading this. #HiMary
  • They’ve also got the that smart, attractive black actress who plays smart, attractive black women… (checks IMDB)… Regina King!
  • Whoever this new band is in the Free Credit Score dot-com commercials, I give Al-Quaeda my full blessing to murder them in Allah’s holy name
  • I misspelled Al-Qaeda, but if we stop putting U’s after our Q’s the terrorists win!!!
  • HOLY FUCKING FUCK WITH A SIDE OF FUCK SAUCE. @JamesUrbaniak was the lab tech in the beginning of Legally Blonde 2. It’s OFFICIAL. Good flick
  • The sexual chemistry between Reese and Newhart is ELECTRIC.
  • Bruce “D-Day/Ralph Houk” McGill is in this too?! Who knew Legally Blonde 2 housed such a murderer’s row of talent?
  • Bob Newhart said “fo’ shizzle”!!! The incongruity of old white people using hip urban slang is the hallmark of all classic comedies.
  • Watching this much Legally Blonde is like eating a 3 course meal of nothing but cotton candy. I needy a bloody steak.
  • Legally Blonde finds out her chihuaha is gay & next scene he’s wearing a studded leather vest. Even John Waters found that a bit too broad.
  • You can tell DC’s bureaucracy is wearing Legally Blonde down b/c her clothes aren’t very fabulous in this scene.
  • Ballsy move showing a clip of Mr. Smith Goes To Washington in the middle of LB2. Like passing lobster by someone eating fish sticks.
  • UCLA film school just asked for the transcript of my Legally Blonde live-tweets. Say it may shake the very foundations of film criticism.
  • Of course the foundation of film criticism is built out of snark, self-entitlement, and balsa wood.
  • Making the centerpiece of their animal rights movie a bug-eyed rat-dog takes a bit of the shine off Legally Blonde 2.
  • Sally Field kills the bill! “I’M the original cute, perky rom-com lead, BITCH! How DARE you usurp me?!?!”
  • The smart, ambitious black woman quashed the pretty, rich, blonde girl’s dreams. Tale as old as time…
  • I’m assuming the only reason I haven’t lost a few dozen followers tonight is b/c most of you aren’t on twitter right now.
  • Legally Blonde 2’s message: if everyone had a sense of friendly optimism borne out of superficial naivete, the world would be a better place
  • Ah… It turns out the black girl was led astray by the old white woman, but the pretty young white girl has come to save them both!!!
  • Sally Field just gave a “here’s my evil scheme” speech to Legally Blonde that would have made the hackiest Scooby-Doo villain blush.
  • I’m glad some of you kids are semi, sort of, maybe, kind of enjoying my Legally Blonde live-tweet. You are truly the wind beneath my wings.
  • That’s fair. RT @YourProtagonist: Just saw ur live-tweeting Legally Blondes. Wanted u to know that I followed u only so I could unfollow u.
  • The gay dog ends up on the cover of GQ?! SO fake. We all know Details would get him first.
  • If it’s on while I’m completely bored & half-drunk… Maybe. RT @HeatherD13: @CraigMahoney will you please do Mean Girls next?
  • Legally Blonde ends with a charismatic idiot speaking to congress & spurring them to action. It’s the most realistic part of the movie.
  • I watched both Legally Blondes and drank 10 beers tonight. The former killed more brain cells.
  • Oh HO! She’s eyeing the White House! Why was America denied the 3rd movie in the Legally Blonde trilogy that it clearly craved & deserved?!
  • And, so ends our journey through Reese Witherspoon’s romantic and legal entanglements. I shall cherish this time we spent together always.
  • Be sure to take care of your bartenders, and sign my e-mail lost before you leave.
  • E-mail LIST. Way to kill the last fucking joke of the night, dipshit
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